We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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