I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
