i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize