to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
