ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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