Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
