You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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