when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize