Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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