Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Please, let me fuck your mom
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize