I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
And then my night got REAL pukey
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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