I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
