I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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