I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
so much tequila, so little girl.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
