he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
