Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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