walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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