Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
