I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
