I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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