There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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