I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize