The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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