Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We need to rekindle our bromance
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize