wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
