My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
