FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
