fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
