Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
