dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
