$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
