i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize