I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
