I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
