Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
