no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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