Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
