Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
