508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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