then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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