Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
