i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
