I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
