When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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