Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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