We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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