Where did you get a picture of my penis
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
