i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
