There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
