Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
