My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
