My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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