i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
