Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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