Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
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