just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
